Expectativas

Tenía pensado dormir un rato antes de salir, pero me llamaste apurándome para que pasara por ti y llegaramos al show. Me bañé lo mas rápido que pude y me tomó un tiempo decidir qué ponerme. Shorts no porque no te gusta que ande "enseñando pierna", así que mejor un pantalon ajustado porque el día antes me dijiste que te gustaba cómo me quedaban. La playera de Descendents no porque me queda muy grande y no te iba a gustar, la de Touche Amore tampoco porque el día que me la puse me preguntaste si "eso me iba a poner" y después dijiste que estabas bromeando aunque yo sé que no, asi que simplemente me puse una playera que me quedara ligeramente ajustada pero que no tuviera escote para que no me tiraras mierda al respecto.

Salir corriendo y pasar echando gas porque el camino hasta tu casa es largo y no me iba a alcanzar. Mis uñas eran un desastre, quería usar el esmalte negro que compré y no había usado pero me dijiste que no te gustan las uñas negras, asi que fui con el rosado que te parece mas adecuado por "femenino". Primera vez que me pinto las uñas manejando, después fue turno del maquillaje.

Estaba tan emocionada por ese fin de semana: dos shows en donde te iba a ver cantar, pasar el día contigo, tal vez pasos y pedales y cena de pizza con mis amigos a los que no miro desde hace más de un mes. Llego a tu casa y me recibis con un billete de Q100, no un "hola mi amor", no un beso, no un abrazo fuerte, no un "te mirás tan linda". No. Un billete de Q100. Llegamos al show, estás conmigo por aproximadamente media hora hasta que llega un amigo en común, me dejas "encargada" con él como quien deja un celular o unas llaves y te vas. Te vas porque es más importante socializar, porque llegaron tus amigos y ellos no te aburren o te estorban, porque yo solo era tu transporte.

Intento tanto dejarlo pasar, intento tanto "entederte" y convencerme que simplemente es que no has visto a tus amigos (cosa que has hecho constanmente cuando van a jugar fut), que tal vez solo estoy exagerando, que mejor así porque no me andas alegando que esté cerca del pit o que alguien me empuje. Intento pero no es tan fácil...me siento en la mierda. Otra vez me dejaste de lado, otra vez valí verga.

Y aún así al final del show me pedis que meta a 8 personas en mi carro de 5 pasajeros y suba hasta Muxbal porque tus amigos no tienen cómo irse. Por supuesto que no te iba a decir que no, aún cuando lo único que quería desde hace ratos era irme a mi casa.

Son las 11:30 de la noche y lo único con lo que terminé el día fueron Q100 y un "gracias" por teléfono.




Al fin estrené mi pintauñas negro.

almost 3 years later

and I'm back.
Not for good, I don't think I'll keep posting. It's just so weird to remember those years, how I felt. But I'm glad to say I was right, the best was yet to come and I'm happy now.

I think I've been able to develop myself the way I want. My parents finally realized it was not just a phase, this is who I am and there is nothing wrong with it. I'm proud of myself, I am, friends are still the most important thing in my life and even though I've lost some people in the way, I don't regret a thing. I love my friends to death, they make me smile, they make me laugh, they make me feel loved for who I am.

I can honestly say I feel 100% comfortable with who I am, what I believe in, what I like and the things that matter. I feel comfortable on my skin, I like my life.

"we keep our heads high"

the same old story

once again i'm crying... lately it seems that tears have become my new company. i hate it but it's not up to me...that's just the result of living in this house. My dad raised his fist today, he almost hit me and i wished he had, maybe then it would get easier to get the hell out of here, for the 100th time he told me to leave, to "go live on the streets", i do want to leave but with the friends i have, i know i wont be living in the streets. the past 5 years have been like this, but i feel like it's finally coming to an end, i hope next year i'll be able to finally leave this house...
the best is yet to come

falling apart

it's halloween, and as usual i'm stuck at my house. Exactly one year ago, while i was mad because i wouldn't do anything for halloween, one of my now best friends told me this year we would do something for sure. That didn't happend

days like these (and they are a majority) make me think. i've realized i dont have the life i want, these past days i've been trying to convince myself that there is a chance my parents will change, that they will accept me for who i am and that i will be able to live in my home being just who i am. that wont happend

lately, i feel like i'm falling apart. like everything is just not rigth, the things i treasured most all year long are dying...fading away. my best friend is leaving for ever, i knew this would happen but the day is almost here and i'm not sure i'm ready... friends are THE most important thing in my life, my mom doesn't seem to understand that, i know she and my dad both hate my friends, i couldn't care less, they're the only thing in my life that's worth living for. I got used to seing them almost every day, but that is over now and i miss them. On top of that, i fell like im drifting away from one of my best friends, he's just gone... i know that's what he does, he's a quitter and i wish there was something i could do to change that.

I need to get out of here before it's too late, my biggest fear is to look back and regret my life, regret the fact that i wasted my life away... i need to get out of here, and i'll do everything in my power to make that happen. I live only for the hope that the best is yet to come, it has to.

caras vemos...corazones no sabemos

or something like that...

im worried, and i dont know how to help her

hi there

so...im still new at this thing, im edditing my template and that's why i posted something soon to be deleted...